Three months ago I found myself in a situation I told myself would never happen again: I had this cloud around me that I just couldn’t shake. Days were hard to get through at work. Sleep was all I wanted to do (yet it was hard to come by). I just didn’t have the same motivation I typically have for anything.
I was depressed.
Again.
So when I make my thesis statement that depression is a big deal, I’m telling you from my own personal experience.
Despite how strongly I feel about that, I’ve avoided writing this post for a while now. Honestly, it’s not shame or embarrassment (though those two often complete the emotional trifecta of depression for men), but it’s simply because it’s not a fun thing to talk about. Believe me, it’d be much easier to jump on here and talk about glassing up mule deer or the pros and cons of my new sleeping bag. But, depression is such a huge issue and a growing trend among men, that I believe I can’t justify ignoring it if I’m going to claim that Late to the Game Outdoors is all about helping guys become better men, and not just a hunting site. Plus, I’ve always believed that if my pain or experience can help someone else, who am I to keep that hidden?
Ironically, this shot is from the final hour of an unsuccessful deer hunt, in the freezing cold, and I’m laying down ‘cause I had just rolled my ankle really bad…certainly not the happiest moment of my life!
As we launch into a new decade, I had a number of hunting-related things on my whiteboard to write about, but I wanted to start this new chapter from a more sincere place…on a more personal note. If you’re a regular follower of Late to the Game, then perhaps you’ve noticed I’ve gone mostly dark for the past couple months. No blogs, sporadic social media presence, the podcast got up and running and almost immediately stopped adding new episodes…I wish I could blame it on a bustling hunting calendar or even an intentional rest-period for the sake of the holidays, but that wasn’t it. The past couple months I’ve been battling through some depression along with some significant life decisions, and my motivation to keep cranking out content got crushed under the weight of it. But, as a new year starts, as that major life stuff has been resolved, and as I find myself with renewed passion, I wanted to “come back” with something that would not only be personally honest, but may help other guys out there wrestling with the same stuff. Statistically speaking, 1/3 of us will suffer from at least one significant period of depression in our lives, and one of the worst things we can do is suffer in silence. So, if that’s you (or if you think it might be you but you've been afraid to admit that to yourself), here are a few tactics to help you fight through depression…
Don’t ignore the warning signs!
Anyone who has taken a basic psychology course knows the standard symptoms of depression: lack of motivation, sudden changes in sleep or eating habits, loss of interest in things that used to interest you (bring back any memories from “Intro to Psychology” freshman year?). What I find interesting is that just knowing those doesn’t necessarily make them easy to spot in yourself. This most recent bout with depression, I was a few weeks into it before I recognized the signs and said to my wife, “you know, I think I might be getting a little depressed.” To which she lovingly replied, “yeah, you have been for weeks!” It’s often easier to see it in someone else than to recognize what’s really going on in yourself…we can always try to blame symptoms like this on a stressful work situation, a tough week, or a bad breakfast burrito…but sometimes it’s so much more than that.
For me, I didn’t want to go hunting (which, as a man who typically devotes ALL of his free time and money to hunting, is a major red flag). I was sleeping later, missing workouts, generally “blah” about everything…I was definitely depressed. I’ve been at this exact point a few times in my life, but it still takes a few weeks before I’m able to put all the puzzle pieces together and realize what’s going on. Why? Because I don’t want it to be the case…I don’t want to be depressed again! And that’s why so many of us ignore or excuse all the signs…we want it to be just some little hiccup in our schedule, and not something more severe. But, ignoring depression only perpetuates it. I’m not saying that once you’ve identified it you’re magically cured, but once you call it what it is you can begin properly attacking the thing. So, if you even think you might be dipping a toe in the depression waters, ask someone close to you what they think…you may be surprised that they’ve known for weeks or months but assumed you knew. Then, once you’ve identified it, here are a couple things to try…
Force yourself to do the things you know you should do
All those things you’ve lost interest in and don’t feel like doing at all, they’re still things you enjoy. When you’re depressed, it doesn’t seem like you will because they’ve mysteriously lost their appeal. But, depression is like that bad roommate that was always trying to convince you to do stupid stuff…it wants you to believe that what you’re feeling in that moment is absolutely true, and therefore you shouldn’t do the things that will actually help you feel better. For instance, working out - we should all be exercising anyway just for our own physical well-being, but it’s especially valuable to fight depression (it releases endorphins, gives you a sense of control, etc.). Even if you’re typically a guy who enjoys the gym, depression will convince you that you shouldn’t go. Sleep in, rest that knee that’s been bugging you, you can always go tomorrow…and then 3 weeks go by and you haven’t touched a barbell or a running trail. That’s only perpetuating the depression…it’s like a parasite in your brain trying to preserve itself.
If I were a licensed therapist, I would prescribe heavy squats and deadlifts for depression and anxiety…they work wonders!
For me, it’s usually the loss of interest in my favorite things that sets off the alarm bells in my brain. I had missed quite a few mornings at the gym (and I love the gym), I had fallen off on my Late to the Game content (and it’s one of my favorite creative outlets), and I hadn’t even put any research into late archery deer season (honestly, I wasn’t even looking forward to it). Now, I tell my kids all the time that feelings lie, and the best course of action is to stick to what you know is true rather than what you feel. So, I took my own advice, and grabbed the trusty workout notebook. I mapped out my plan for each week, and I gave myself ZERO room to skip. If I slept through an alarm and missed the morning, I HAD to hit the weight room after I put the kids to bed that night. Believe me, plenty of days I had no desire to go do that, but I knew it would help my mental state (it also helps if you ask your wife to hold you accountable…not skipping workouts anymore, I’ll tell you that much). I also found a break in the calendar and went on a two-night backpacking deer hunt. The hiking, the cold, the silent mornings glassing up mule deer…it was extremely cathartic and good for my soul. It actually helped remind me why I started Late to the Game in the first place. I believe hunting and the outdoors brings a great deal of healing to the masculine soul, and I want to help other guys experience that. I had just been forgetting to take my own medicine!
The point is this: don’t let your brain lie to you while you’re wrestling with depression. In fact, your brain is already acting as the enemy, so why would you let him tell you that you should really just stay home, drink another glass of whiskey, and wait until you feel better. It seems strange, but when you’re depressed, it’s almost like your brain is doing everything it can to stay depressed. So, don’t let it win! Objectively look at what you know you need to do, and do it…whether you feel like it or not. Often, the feelings come after you’ve taken the action.
Don’t keep it to yourself
Alright guys, we’ve talked about this kind of thing before, but it’s worth repeating. I know we hate admitting weakness…we ALL do! The ladies in our lives will probably never fully understand just how hard it is for a man to open up about a struggle or some area where he doesn’t have it all together. But, when it comes to mental health, staying silent is like pouring gasoline on the fire. Depression works to isolate you, and keeping it all bottled up is only letting it win.
As much as I’m a huge fan of solo hunting and finding solitude in the outdoors, EVERY MAN needs good friends in his life to maintain his mental health.
You may start with your significant other, or a good friend you’re willing to be a little vulnerable with. If you’re like me (and a ton of the other men I know), your 2-3 best friends are scattered all over the country and you may have to make your semi-annual call to catch up just a little earlier. If you’ve been struggling for a while or it feels like it’s getting pretty bad, don’t feel weird about looking into counseling. I’ve been through some therapy in my life, and I found it profoundly helpful. Also, I’m not a doctor so far be it from me to give anyone specific medical advice, but sometimes you legitimately have some brain-chemistry issues going on that require medication to correct. I’ve had a couple seasons of my adult life where that’s been necessary as well…no shame whatsoever. Do what you gotta do to be healthy!
The problem is that none of this can be sorted out or diagnosed if you don’t tell anyone what’s going on. So, drop the “I’m a man…I got this” act and tell someone (even if that’s just your primary care physician…he’s already seen you naked, so how much worse could this be?) If you keep it to yourself, depression wins!
The stakes are high
Alright, I realize I’ve already crossed the line of starting off 2020 on a pretty downer note, so I might as well go one step further. Even if your depression seems relatively minor - maybe you’re not even ready to actually call it “depression” yet - you've got to do something about it! Depression is scary not just because it messes up your lifestyle or makes you sad…it’s scary because of where it can lead. If left untreated, it can get worse, and if it gets bad enough, we’re looking at the possibility of suicide. I know that’s a crappy word to read, and may sound kind of alarmist, but it’s a real issue that we need to deal with!
There is a crisis in our country right now that isn’t getting a ton of press, but middle-aged white men in particular are killing themselves at an alarming rate. We tend to think of suicide as an angst-ridden teenage issue, but it’s not! The highest amount of male suicides by age goes to the 45-54 bracket, and coming in a close second is 25-34. These are guys who should be in the prime of their lives, starting careers (or finally making it to the top in their’s), raising families, and making a difference in the world. Instead, they pull the ejection seat on their lives because they didn’t deal with their issues early on.
Trust me, I’m just like you…I read stats like that and think, “no way…that would never happen to me.” Not right now, it won’t. Not while you’re somewhat in your right mind and able to think your way through the situation. But, what if it got worse? What if you kept heading down that rabbit hole and that voice of reason in your head that you’re still listening to…what if that voice got quieter? What if you couldn’t hear it at all anymore and all you could hear was the depression? Guys, we have to face the reality that it could be any of us! Are you willing to risk your life for the sake of not looking weak or avoiding a potentially uncomfortable conversation?
I realize the sunrise metaphor is a little bit “on the nose” for this topic…but come on, everything feels better when you’re watching the sun come up in the backcountry.
Wherever you’re at with this…if you think you might have even a hint of depression going on, do something about it! If you’re feeling just fine but you have a buddy you’re kind of worried about, don’t sit back just because you think it might be awkward or he might be offended. Have a conversation, offer your support…let’s stop suffering alone and in silence, and let’s rally together and start actually fighting this fight!
[Alright, I know that was a heavy way to start the new year. Come back next week and we’ll talk about something a whole lot lighter…I promise.]